Therapy Results

Well, I had my first appointment with my therapist yesterday.  I have to say I'm still in shock!  Before I go any further, let me note that I've known and been good friends with my therapist for 15 years.   So we didn't need to do any of the "get to know you" sessions most therapists require.  Basically what she pointed out is this.  My entire life, I have put other people's needs in front of my own.  When I was a child and a teenager,  my parents both worked so I did a lot of the housework and such.  That way my mother could spend as much time as possible with my disabled brother.  When my wife and I were married, I tried to bury my transgender side (didn't work) putting her needs ahead of my own.  The same when our son was born, I put their needs ahead of my own as it should have been.  When he went to college, my wife went back as the person I took care of.  When she had surgery and ended up paralyzed, I took care of her after she spent a month in the hospital learning to walk again.  When my mother developed dementia, instead of putting her in a nursing home, I became the caregiver for her and my brother for eight years and they lived at home until they passed away within a couple of months of each other.  So my therapist said it's time I put my needs to the forefront.  She pointed out also, much of our health does depend on our happiness and "you're not happy!"  So what are we doing?  She is referring me to an endocrinologist and will write my letter to begin HRT!!!!  She also mentioned since at my age we're not planning on starting another family and so that I don't have to take androgen blockers she will also write a letter to a surgeon here for an orchiectomy.(If you don't know what that is, look it up.)  I told a friend who transitioned years ago all of this last night.  Her response was she knew it all the years she's known me, she just wondered how long I could grit my teeth. LOL

The most amazing thing is my wife.  When we sat down and talked last night and I told her the results from the session, she was fine.  I know for a fact that she has some issues that she won't talk about with me but I'm insisting on her seeing someone to talk to.  Since we belong to a very LGBT friendly church (our pastor is L) my wife is going to sit down with her and talk.

Another Talk

My wife asked me straight up last night if I was planning on transitioning.  I told her I wished to God I could tell her yes or no but I couldn't because I don't even know.  I just don't know.  I mean I really feel silly at my age although there have certainly been people who transitioned who were far older than me.  But on the other hand my head feels like it's going to explode.  My gender issues are the first thing I think about in the morning, the last thing I think about at night and in my head all day long.  I know my wife is scared about what's going to happen, what her brothers and sister will say and especially will I, or even worse we, be cut off from our grandchildren. But then I'm scared too.  I'm scared of the same things although her family members we rarely see anyway.  I would hate being cut off from my grandchildren but again, we only get to see them once or twice a year.  I know for a fact my younger brother would have nothing to do with me but he's almost 600 miles away.  No, the one person would be a member of my extended family who is the same age as me and has been like a brother since we were infants.  Losing him would hurt a lot.  But I'm also scared of other things.  I worry about the reaction of people I deal with occasionally and the reaction of people around town.  Although we live just a mile from the city limits of a huge city, we're still in a suburb that's not known as LGBT friendly.  But the thing that scares me the most is violence.  You see, I had a very good transgender friend who got out of her car one afternoon and got her mail out of her mailbox when someone shot her twice in the back of the head.  I became almost paranoid about my personal security when that happened.

Well, I'm seeing a therapist next week on an intake consultation.  I don't know what's going to happen but I do know this.  I can't do nothing.

Who I Am

I'm Beverly, a transgender person who has been able to cope with those feelings most of my life. Whenever my gender dysphoria would  raise it's head in the past, I've always been able to beat it back down.  Lately however, the dysphoria has been kicking my butt and it looks like I'm going to have to start seeing my therapist again.  So anyway, just wanted to put something on here so that if, on the off chance, anyone should find it, they will know who I am.

Hugs,
Bev