Sometimes Emotions Just Have To Come Out

Five days before my first therapy appointment was a really bad day.  First I read a post on Facebook where a trans woman was talking about a man she had known and the things he had done.  At first it sounded like it might be memories of her father or something similar.  But then she talked about how he had loved her enough to let her be herself and that was when you started realizing she was writing about her previous male life.  It was so beautifully written it brought me to tears.  Then later that evening for no reason at all, I was in tears again.  Two or three times that evening my wife kept asking me what was wrong and I just kept saying it's a bad night, it's a bad night.  Around 11PM I was laying on the bed and my wife sat down on the edge of the bed.  "Tell me what's wrong."  Suddenly before I knew it I was rolled up in a ball on the bed, pillow over my head sobbing and screaming, "I'm sorry," over and over.  My therapist asked me the next week what I was sorry for and I told her I didn't know unless I was just saying I was sorry for me being me.  Anyway, when I calmed down that night, my wife confessed that she was feeling guilty because I was so unhappy.  She felt it was her fault thinking she was responsible for me not transitioning at an earlier time.  At least if nothing else happened that evening, I got rid of some emotion and I was able to convince her it was not her fault.