Hormone Replacement Therapy

I started HRT on June 2 with estradiol twice a day for now.  I will see my endocrinologist in a couple of months at which point he will increase my dosage.  But it's amazing the effect the hormones have had in such a short time.  It's like my emotions have been unchained.

For many years I have buried my emotions deep within me and very little affected me other than occasional anger. Deaths of very close relatives were met with just the usual day to day feeling nothing.  A lot of that was caused by being my mother's caregiver in her home for years.  In an eight year period, I probably spent less than four weeks away from the house with the biggest break being a one week trip to Ireland.  So I learned to bury my emotions including my gender dysphoria and feel basically nothing.  I'm sure I was depressed during some of that time; I mean what do you have to look forward to when your day/week/year consists of getting someone up, making sure they get dressed, fixing breakfast, getting them settled, preparing lunch, getting them settled, cooking dinner, getting them settled and finally off to bed.  My wife was still in our home in another state working so she commuted on the weekends and would give me a little break from cooking.  Thankfully I am retired from an airline and she could fly space available.  And even after mom and my brother were gone, no emotions.  Until last fall and then it was a crash.  Now with HRT, the day seems brighter plus my wife says I am much happier and more affectionate.  It's made a BIG difference.

New Appointment

I have a new appointment with another endocrinologist for evaluation for HRT.  This doctor literally wrote the book.  I mean he literally co-wrote the book Endocrine Therapy for Transsexual Persons.  Hopefully he won't be as conservative as the previous doctor.  A friend of mine who is a nurse and a former patient of that doctor said she's cutting back getting ready to retire and cherry picking easy to manage patients.

On another note, I will be getting rid of testosterone for good.  My appointment with my urologist the other day, he has decided my orchalgia (pain in the left testicle) plus the extremely high cancer risk for my right testicle warrants an orchiectomy.  He does also have a letter from my therapist recommending the orchi.  I also told him at the appointment I had been in touch with a surgeon's office regarding future possibility of GRS.  I explained they recommended a horizontal incision and he thought for a few seconds then said he could understand  that to save the centerline.  The other thing I told him was the doctors office recommended he call them and he surprised me by agreeing.  He gave me his e-mail address to forward what the doctors office sent me.  I said after my first visit with him I really wasn't impressed but I did go back for a second visit and I'm glad I did.  I've been more and more impressed with him and his concern each visit.

I Have An HRT Appointment

Tuesday my therapist and I wrote my HRT letter and faxed it to the endocrinologist I've chosen.  Wednesday I called to make an appointment but the doctors appointment person was busy and I had to leave a message.  Yesterday morning I got a call back from the office and I was very pleased with the person who called.  First she was very pleasant and asked if I preferred to be called by my male name or by Beverly.  She went through everything about the appointment and then told me she wanted to mail out a registration packet for new patients.  You know, all that paperwork you have to fill out at every new doctor's office?  Then she asked is it OK to mail this to your home or will that create problems?  No, no problems, send it here.  Next she asked about leaving messages on the phone.  Would that create any problems?  No, that won't be a problem either.  Finally she said the first appointment available was March 8th at 2:30PM.  Two months from today, I have an appointment with my endo for HRT!!!!!!!!!!  This is really happening!  I guess you could say I've been waiting for this my entire life or at least since I was four.  It still seems like a dream.

Therapy Results

Well, I had my first appointment with my therapist yesterday.  I have to say I'm still in shock!  Before I go any further, let me note that I've known and been good friends with my therapist for 15 years.   So we didn't need to do any of the "get to know you" sessions most therapists require.  Basically what she pointed out is this.  My entire life, I have put other people's needs in front of my own.  When I was a child and a teenager,  my parents both worked so I did a lot of the housework and such.  That way my mother could spend as much time as possible with my disabled brother.  When my wife and I were married, I tried to bury my transgender side (didn't work) putting her needs ahead of my own.  The same when our son was born, I put their needs ahead of my own as it should have been.  When he went to college, my wife went back as the person I took care of.  When she had surgery and ended up paralyzed, I took care of her after she spent a month in the hospital learning to walk again.  When my mother developed dementia, instead of putting her in a nursing home, I became the caregiver for her and my brother for eight years and they lived at home until they passed away within a couple of months of each other.  So my therapist said it's time I put my needs to the forefront.  She pointed out also, much of our health does depend on our happiness and "you're not happy!"  So what are we doing?  She is referring me to an endocrinologist and will write my letter to begin HRT!!!!  She also mentioned since at my age we're not planning on starting another family and so that I don't have to take androgen blockers she will also write a letter to a surgeon here for an orchiectomy.(If you don't know what that is, look it up.)  I told a friend who transitioned years ago all of this last night.  Her response was she knew it all the years she's known me, she just wondered how long I could grit my teeth. LOL

The most amazing thing is my wife.  When we sat down and talked last night and I told her the results from the session, she was fine.  I know for a fact that she has some issues that she won't talk about with me but I'm insisting on her seeing someone to talk to.  Since we belong to a very LGBT friendly church (our pastor is L) my wife is going to sit down with her and talk.