A Wonderful Wife

As a transgender person, you know you have a great wife when hanging in your hall is your wedding photo with her in her white wedding dress and you in your tux.  While immediately under it is a picture of the two of you at another formal event many year later, her in a green velvet gown and you in a black evening gown with jacket.

What A Birthday Present!

My birthday was Thursday, 7/28.  I got a lot of wonderful gifts from my wife, a couple of nice tops and some beautiful skirts along with three very nice rings.  But the most wonderful gift was totally unexpected.  I would NEVER in my life have thought I would hear a woman stand in front of the Democratic National Convention, or any political convention for that matter, and proclaim, "I am a proud transgender American!"  I've had some great birthdays in the past but listening to Sarah McBride speak to the DNC made Thursday the greatest birthday of my life!  Maybe the first birthday after GRS will match this but nothing will ever top it.

On another note, there were twenty-eight trans delegates at the DNC and none that I know of at the RNC.  There were even only 18 African American delegates at the RNC.  So if diversity is important to you, then you know where to find it.  I'm proud to say I've personally known one of the delegates 19 years, another 18 years.  A third is a Facebook friend at her request.  So I knew about 10 percent of the trans delegates.  I feel I'm getting back into the community and maybe in a year I will be back where I was.

Urologist Update

Well, I had the talk with my urologist yesterday and he seemed quite knowledgeable regarding transgender.  Makes me wonder if he has trans patients.  He asked some pertinent questions, who was my endo, had I thought about any surgeons yet, etc.  I told him who my endo is and told him I was thinking about McGinn in Pennsylvania or Marci Bowers in California.  So the final result of the appointment is, with a letter from my therapist, he will do the orchiectomy.  Plus since he's treating me for orchalgia (pain) on the left side and because of the 10X greater risk for cancer right side due to undescended testicle that has reascended, he will use these as the diagnosis for removal so Medicare and my insurance will pay for it.

When he was asking me the questions he was sitting sort of behind me at the computer.  My wife said as we were driving home he seemed impressed that I was answering the questions quickly and knew what I was talking about.  I kind of laughed and asked her how many friends we've had that transitioned.  I said she could have answered his questions instead of me.

Reconnecting With the Transgender Community

Several years ago, I was pretty well known nationwide and in a few instances, worldwide in the transgender community.  Oh not because I was an activist or anything.  I was a staff member of one of the largest transgender conferences in the world and I dealt with newcomers to the conference.  It was my job to help make sure they had a good time and if they needed assistance, they had a Big Brother or Sister to guide them.  Then my mother started developing dementia and I put everything on hold to become her caregiver.  For over eight years, I did nothing but care for her and my disabled brother.  In eight years, I had basically about two or maybe as much as three weeks of time off.  Total!  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining because I feel good that I kept her out off a nursing home for that time.  After my brother and my mom passed away, I just more or less decompressed for a couple of years.  However during all those years, I pretty much lost contact with everyone I had known in the community except for a couple of people. 

Several years ago I established a Facebook account but I did very little with it up until November when I started posting on it regularly.  One thing it has helped me do is establish contact with a lot of the people I knew back then.  People who were really close friends until I more or less disappeared on them.  And that's allowed me to find some e-mail addresses of other people who aren't on FB. I was wondering if any of them would even remember me and I've been surprised.  So many of them have expressed happiness at reconnecting with me.  I also reconnected with someone who was one of my newcomers quite a few years ago and is now one of the best known transgender advocates in the country.  I'm very proud of her and I guess I kind of know how a proud mom feels when one of her kids becomes someone famous.

Thoughts on The Danish Girl (Warning - Spoilers)

Seldom is someone able to actually picture themselves in a movie.  Unless you're one of the rare individuals who has been a fighter pilot, you can't really know what it's like to fly a Tomcat in Top Gun.  And no matter how great your imagination, that's all it will ever be, imagining, when you watch the Star Wars movies.  But for many of us, The Danish Girl is different. This is a movie a lot of us have lived or are currently living.

I admit I kind of laughed when Einar was walking through the theater and feeling the material of the costumes.  I thought how many times have I followed my wife through the ladies clothing in Sears, Macy's or another department store with my hand down to my side feeling the soft materials.  As Einar became Lili more and more, I cried because I saw so much of me in Lili.  When Gerda is crying and telling Lili she needs to speak to her husband, I cried for my wife who over the next few months will be watching her husband fade slowly away and her new wife take his place.   I cried for the love Gerda and Lili shared just like the love my wife and I share.  The love of my wife to stay with me through transition from male to female, the transition from married heterosexual couple to married lesbian couple.  Gerda and Lili were not allowed to stay married at that time but thankfully my wife and I are.  That's what is so great about this movie for many of us who are transgender.  We don't have to imagine what it's like to be the protagonist, we either are or have been Lili.  Just as Gerda and Lili were forced to have their marriage annulled, many of us have lost loved ones due to transition.  Just as Gerda's love for Lili lasted past their annulment, some of our relationships have lasted as we transition.

So as I said, we don't have to use our imaginations with The Danish Girl, we understand Lili's feelings.  We are Lili and it's not a movie to us.  It is our real life.

I Have An HRT Appointment

Tuesday my therapist and I wrote my HRT letter and faxed it to the endocrinologist I've chosen.  Wednesday I called to make an appointment but the doctors appointment person was busy and I had to leave a message.  Yesterday morning I got a call back from the office and I was very pleased with the person who called.  First she was very pleasant and asked if I preferred to be called by my male name or by Beverly.  She went through everything about the appointment and then told me she wanted to mail out a registration packet for new patients.  You know, all that paperwork you have to fill out at every new doctor's office?  Then she asked is it OK to mail this to your home or will that create problems?  No, no problems, send it here.  Next she asked about leaving messages on the phone.  Would that create any problems?  No, that won't be a problem either.  Finally she said the first appointment available was March 8th at 2:30PM.  Two months from today, I have an appointment with my endo for HRT!!!!!!!!!!  This is really happening!  I guess you could say I've been waiting for this my entire life or at least since I was four.  It still seems like a dream.

Another Talk

My wife asked me straight up last night if I was planning on transitioning.  I told her I wished to God I could tell her yes or no but I couldn't because I don't even know.  I just don't know.  I mean I really feel silly at my age although there have certainly been people who transitioned who were far older than me.  But on the other hand my head feels like it's going to explode.  My gender issues are the first thing I think about in the morning, the last thing I think about at night and in my head all day long.  I know my wife is scared about what's going to happen, what her brothers and sister will say and especially will I, or even worse we, be cut off from our grandchildren. But then I'm scared too.  I'm scared of the same things although her family members we rarely see anyway.  I would hate being cut off from my grandchildren but again, we only get to see them once or twice a year.  I know for a fact my younger brother would have nothing to do with me but he's almost 600 miles away.  No, the one person would be a member of my extended family who is the same age as me and has been like a brother since we were infants.  Losing him would hurt a lot.  But I'm also scared of other things.  I worry about the reaction of people I deal with occasionally and the reaction of people around town.  Although we live just a mile from the city limits of a huge city, we're still in a suburb that's not known as LGBT friendly.  But the thing that scares me the most is violence.  You see, I had a very good transgender friend who got out of her car one afternoon and got her mail out of her mailbox when someone shot her twice in the back of the head.  I became almost paranoid about my personal security when that happened.

Well, I'm seeing a therapist next week on an intake consultation.  I don't know what's going to happen but I do know this.  I can't do nothing.

Who I Am

I'm Beverly, a transgender person who has been able to cope with those feelings most of my life. Whenever my gender dysphoria would  raise it's head in the past, I've always been able to beat it back down.  Lately however, the dysphoria has been kicking my butt and it looks like I'm going to have to start seeing my therapist again.  So anyway, just wanted to put something on here so that if, on the off chance, anyone should find it, they will know who I am.

Hugs,
Bev