The Most Beautiful Gift Of All Was Just A Word

Normally my wife and I give each other little ideas about what we want for Christmas.  I had mentioned something that after my therapy and HRT referral became sort of a moot point.  My wife and I were sitting in the den talking and she was explaining her thought process.  My wife said, "So I was thinking what else would she want or need."  She!  That's the first time my wife has used a feminine pronoun in referring to me. When she said that, I jumped up and gave her a hug and a kiss before walking out in the hall to wipe off my tears.  It was just a word.  But it was the most beautiful Christmas gift of all. 

Therapy Results

Well, I had my first appointment with my therapist yesterday.  I have to say I'm still in shock!  Before I go any further, let me note that I've known and been good friends with my therapist for 15 years.   So we didn't need to do any of the "get to know you" sessions most therapists require.  Basically what she pointed out is this.  My entire life, I have put other people's needs in front of my own.  When I was a child and a teenager,  my parents both worked so I did a lot of the housework and such.  That way my mother could spend as much time as possible with my disabled brother.  When my wife and I were married, I tried to bury my transgender side (didn't work) putting her needs ahead of my own.  The same when our son was born, I put their needs ahead of my own as it should have been.  When he went to college, my wife went back as the person I took care of.  When she had surgery and ended up paralyzed, I took care of her after she spent a month in the hospital learning to walk again.  When my mother developed dementia, instead of putting her in a nursing home, I became the caregiver for her and my brother for eight years and they lived at home until they passed away within a couple of months of each other.  So my therapist said it's time I put my needs to the forefront.  She pointed out also, much of our health does depend on our happiness and "you're not happy!"  So what are we doing?  She is referring me to an endocrinologist and will write my letter to begin HRT!!!!  She also mentioned since at my age we're not planning on starting another family and so that I don't have to take androgen blockers she will also write a letter to a surgeon here for an orchiectomy.(If you don't know what that is, look it up.)  I told a friend who transitioned years ago all of this last night.  Her response was she knew it all the years she's known me, she just wondered how long I could grit my teeth. LOL

The most amazing thing is my wife.  When we sat down and talked last night and I told her the results from the session, she was fine.  I know for a fact that she has some issues that she won't talk about with me but I'm insisting on her seeing someone to talk to.  Since we belong to a very LGBT friendly church (our pastor is L) my wife is going to sit down with her and talk.

Another Talk

My wife asked me straight up last night if I was planning on transitioning.  I told her I wished to God I could tell her yes or no but I couldn't because I don't even know.  I just don't know.  I mean I really feel silly at my age although there have certainly been people who transitioned who were far older than me.  But on the other hand my head feels like it's going to explode.  My gender issues are the first thing I think about in the morning, the last thing I think about at night and in my head all day long.  I know my wife is scared about what's going to happen, what her brothers and sister will say and especially will I, or even worse we, be cut off from our grandchildren. But then I'm scared too.  I'm scared of the same things although her family members we rarely see anyway.  I would hate being cut off from my grandchildren but again, we only get to see them once or twice a year.  I know for a fact my younger brother would have nothing to do with me but he's almost 600 miles away.  No, the one person would be a member of my extended family who is the same age as me and has been like a brother since we were infants.  Losing him would hurt a lot.  But I'm also scared of other things.  I worry about the reaction of people I deal with occasionally and the reaction of people around town.  Although we live just a mile from the city limits of a huge city, we're still in a suburb that's not known as LGBT friendly.  But the thing that scares me the most is violence.  You see, I had a very good transgender friend who got out of her car one afternoon and got her mail out of her mailbox when someone shot her twice in the back of the head.  I became almost paranoid about my personal security when that happened.

Well, I'm seeing a therapist next week on an intake consultation.  I don't know what's going to happen but I do know this.  I can't do nothing.

Talked with my wife the other night

The other night after the Transgender Day of Remembrance service, my wife and I stopped for something to eat.  At the service I had seen my former therapist and told her I really needed to see her again.  So when we sat down to eat, my wife asked me why I needed to see my therapist.  I said it was just that I was having a hard time coping with my gender dysphoria right now and needed some help.

I explained to my wife the reason I need to see her is simple.  I told my wife while I can talk to her and while she is wonderfully understanding/sympathetic, it's impossible for her to understand what I'm going through.  My therapist, being transgender, can understand.  You see, I've known since I was around four years old something about me was wrong.  From the time my grandmother taught me to say my prayers at bedtime, I always said a silent prayer that I would wake up the next morning and be a girl. I guess the easiest way to describe it is when I was four there was this whisper that I didn't understand was her trying to get out.  As I got older she got a little louder and more persistent.  She would get out on occasion when I got to dress in my mom's clothes and she would be quiet for a short while before she wanted out again. As the years went by, she became more demanding wanting out more often and for longer periods of time.  I explained to my wife that now it was to the point she was screaming to get out and if I did let her out, she would NEVER go back again.  So I explained I needed to talk to my therapist to see what direction we, because my wife is included in this, need to go.  Do I need to proceed to HRT, probably put someone's child through college paying for electrolysis, or what. 

What's going to happen?  I wish I knew but I'm scared of where this may go.